The holidays have brought out the best and the worst in my relationship. The stress and worry, the family time and meshing of the kids has made it all very real. We have done remarkably well and made it through without many issues.
I still have fear that if and when we really combine our lives, that it might be too much. Maybe his lack of patience and old school beliefs will be the death of us or maybe it will bring us together as a family. That fear is something that has resided in me since my one and only relationship after my divorce blew up in a million pieces. The fear that I could get hurt is there but my biggest fear is that my kids could get hurt again. My son didn’t even want to meet him in the beginning, and now he asks if we will ever live together. It’s wonderful to see him let his guard back down and open up his heart again, but that means he could get his heart broken again.
I am optimistic that things will work out. I’m happy, I feel safe, I feel loved.
What I know is that I need to stop putting my wall up the second I feel like things aren’t perfect. It’s sad to know that because I was so badly burned in the past, that I can’t fully enjoy my relationship.
What keeps me sane and feeling completely safe is that I know that I have and I can do this on my own. I am independent. I am secure. I don’t need him. I am with him because I want him in my life and if the day ever comes that I don’t want him in my life, I will move on. Great relationships are wonderful and scary all at the same time.