As I reflect on my current relationship and the incredible difference it is from the many years I spent with the narcissist, I wonder how I managed to stay in such toxicity for so long.
The narcissist never made me feel safe or secure- in fact, quite the opposite. Narcissists don’t want you to feel secure, confident, or happy- because if you do, you may become enlightened and realize that you deserve better. The goal is to make you feel as insecure as possible, in order for them to control you and ensure that you won’t leave. When you don’t feel good enough, you tend to tolerate more.
I always felt like I was in competition with his friends, and of course, his obsession. I found out recently that he is doing work in the obsession’s new house, and I just laughed because it’s just so predictable. No matter how many times he said that he would stay away from her because she was evil and destroying his life, he never meant it. He was feeding me bullshit, in the hopes that I would believe him. I was compared to her so often – he would tell me that he liked “very thin ankles” and “small breasts”, which made me feel unattractive. The only quality I had that he liked, was that I was blonde- and if I ever tried to dye my hair or cut it short, he would tell me no. If I did it anyway, he would continuously tell me that it didn’t look good and I would start to feel self-conscious.
I imagine that he’s feeding his friends and girlfriend the same bullshit that he fed me over the years, and most of them believe him and chose to villainize me. I am at the point that I no longer care what any of them think and I avoid going to any places where they might be. Separating myself from all the drama has really improved my mental health and given me peace.
Reflecting back, I still remember when I met his therapist- he only agreed to go to therapy because I told him that he needed therapy, and if he didn’t agree to it, that I was done. He finally agreed and went to the therapist alone for a few sessions and then I asked to join him so that I could explain what the issues were in the relationship. We planned to meet at her office since he was coming from doing a job and I was coming from work. As usual, he was running late, so I had some time alone with her. After a little bit of conversation, she told me that in the short time she had been working him that she determined that he had the emotional maturity of a child- she specifically said a 10-year-old. That probably should have been my sign, but as an empath, we want to be able to fix anything and anyone- so I kept trying to make it work. We ended up seeing a relationship therapist later on when I once again threatened to end the relationship. Narcissists don’t go to therapy unless they are foreced to or to make it look like they are working on themselves. He was caught in lies with our relationship therapist too- after she told him his “friendship” with the obsession wasn’t normal and he was crossing boundaries, he stopped telling her the truth. It ended up being a waste or time and money.
It wasn’t until years later, after he destroyed my soul, that I finally got my wakeup call (the tumor and almost dying- I guess I needed a huge sign 😂) and ended the nightmare for good.
I really don’t know what I saw in him or why I stayed so long, other than knowing that I was manipulated and abused. I don’t miss the rude comments, the way he embarrassed me in public, the excessive drinking, the yelling, the angry outbursts, the dirty looks, the way he would glare at other women in front of me, the way he tried to control me, the constant critisism,and his unrealistic expectations of everyone. I was broken for a long time because of this.
The dysfunction and toxicity of the situation and relationship was the biggest mind-fuck that really destroyed my self-esteem and even my health. It has taken me almost three years to get back to my normal self. I did a lot of work on myself- therapy, meditation, yoga, and time away from most of the people he associates with. When I got out of the business, two years after the split, a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders and life really became amazing. Not only because I didn’t have to associate with him anymore, but also because I didn’t have to clean up his messes. I feel terrible for the people that started using the company because of me and are now having terrible experiences. My former boss reached out to me to see if I was still affiliated with the company because they nearly burned down her rental property and then tried to blame her. Most of the qualified staff is no longer there, so some things aren’t being done properly and it’s unfortunate because it still reflects poorly on me. Just glad that I am no longer personally involved.
Every morning, I wake up grateful to be alive and living the life that I get to live now. The people I have in my life now are true friends and we have real connections, rather than always needing to party. My health is so much better, my anxiety is practically gone, and I spend so much time smiling.
My man is so loving, and attentive and we have so much fun together, no matter what we’re doing. I feel incredibly loved and appreciated. He supports all my passions, dreams, and this blog. He lets me be ME. We tell each other that we love each other dozens of times in one day and we mean it each and every time. The feeling is indescribable. I never thought this type of relationship (healthy and fulfilling) was possible, but now I know that I just wasn’t with the right man all this time. I didn’t know that love shouldn’t hurt – that’s not real love, that’s abuse. I’m no longer hurt and broken- I’m finally whole.
If you are in a narcissistic relationship and you feel like life will never get better, you should know that just being away from the narcissist will improve your life. It’s so hard to take that first step but the pain will slowly turn into peace and happiness. FREE YOURSELF.FIND YOURSELF. You’re worth it.
#freefromnarcissticabuse #traumabond #pathologicalliars