The trauma bond is the ultimate weapon that the narcissist holds to win the battle and making sure that you don’t leave. He has manipulated you and slowly broken down your self-worth, made you addicted to him/the relationship as though he’s a drug. Without it, you feel withdrawals, making you sick. You feel stuck.
No one can understand it because they find him rude, crass, and obnoxious. They watch him treat you with disrespect and blatantly lie to your face, without batting an eye. They watch him mind-fuck every blonde or young girl who walks by. They see him hiding his phone screen away from you. They see him out with another girl when he’s supposed to be working or with his male friends. It doesn’t matter what they say to her because you won’t believe them, and you will believe the lame excuses he gives you and buy the fake tears and sadness. You’re afraid to be apart from him because you are now wrapped up with the family, the friends, and the dog. But you don’t realize that those friends will drop you like a bad habit if you say anything bad about their precious piece of shit friend (even if it’s true). You don’t know that they aren’t real friends, that they talk badly about you behind your back and call you stupid for sticking around. You don’t know that they only want you around, so they don’t have to listen to their annoying friend cry and whine when you have had enough. They want the fun, party guy so that they can just drink and have a good time, rather than be his therapist. Sunday Funday just isn’t the same when their buddy is depressed and moping around.
This was my life for years. A sick and horrific cycle that has taken me years to heal from. I was beat down. I was broken. I didn’t want to trust any man or believe that true love existed because all I knew was this toxic hell that I was living in. Breaking out of that cycle for the final time, knowing that I couldn’t go no contact because of the business, was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do but also, the most gratifying. I made sure to change my environment- I sold my house and moved to a town 30 minutes south to avoid seeing him or his cronies. I started thinking about ways to get out of the business, which ultimately took me 2 more years because he was making it IMPOSSIBLE for me by dragging his feet and begging me to stay. I never gave up pushing the issue so that I could get away from him permanently. Sadly, after closing on the business sale, I learned about multiple cash jobs that he did on business time and hid the money from me- so even not in a relationship with him, his lying and shadiness still affected me. I wonder what other lies he told me and money he screwed me out of during the two years of business after our split. I should have him audited.
As part of my plan to start my new life over, I surrounded myself with a great support system and accidentally reconnected with the best human on earth- my soulmate. When you are finally ready to break that bond and take your life back, it’s important to set yourself up for success by doing everything you can to limit contact and be in a good space.
As time goes on, every day gets easier, especially now that I don’t have to have any contact with him. My ability to leave led me to where I am today, which is a life of love, peace, and happiness.
Don’t be afraid to take that step. Go to therapy. Talk to your true friends. Ask for help. Make a plan. Start saving money. Prepare to lose some people. I promise you that it is more than worth it in the end!