The Gabby Petito case hit home for me. While I know that most narcissists aren’t killers and some may not even be physically abusive, they are so unstable, that you never know what to expect and what starts off as minor verbal abuse, could result in something so much worse. While you’re in the relationship, it doesn’t seem possible; but looking back, it most definitely can happen. If you are in a relationship with a narcissist- this is your sign to leave.
The video footage from the policy DV stop clearly shows her being apologetic for her actions and she is visibly upset and emotional. She appears to be having a mental breakdown… but what outsiders may not see or know, is that she is displaying what is called reactive abuse (see prior post about this: https://fiercelyanya.com/2021/03/15/reactive-abuse-even-good-people-have-their-limits/)
She is trying to defend him, because she knows the repercussions she will face if she doesn’t. His rage will be worse, and she will be blamed for whatever consequences he may have to endure. I remember defending my ex and his disgusting behavior to so many people- not only to keep the peace, but also because I was embarrassed of the truth.
Gabby had been demeaned, abused, and made to feel like she wasn’t good enough, her feelings didn’t matter, and in her mind, she didn’t deserve kindness. He beat her mentally and physically. This is the lowest point in a relationship with a narcissist and while you’re actively involved, you believe it- all of it. That’s how they get you- any shred of confidence that you had, disappears.
Gabby was close in age to my children, and I can’t imagine the pain that her parents feel knowing that she was in a relationship with such a piece of shit- I imagine that my family felt this way for quite a while, when I was with my ex, but because they lived many states away, they didn’t ever see the full extent of his behavior. They would only see him 2-3 times per year, and even though he was always drunk, he wouldn’t be quite as crude, rude, or abusive as he was on a day-to-day basis. It wasn’t until I had my brain surgery, and my dad witnessed his selfishness, did it really bother him. My dad never said a word to me because he knew I had to learn for myself, but my close friends who were there during this time, saw how horrible my ex was during the worst time of my life, and they saw my dad’s expression and look of disgust. Now my dad gets to witness a man who truly loves me, adores me, and focuses on me. My dad sees the way he looks at me, prioritizes me and makes time for not only me, but my entire family, including my children. I feel like I have been waiting my whole life, for a man like him. Gabby didn’t have the opportunity to find her soulmate and to experience unconditional love, and that breaks my heart. Her parents never got to see her truly happy and it’s so unfair on so may levels.
About a month ago, my ex, his girlfriend, along with my boyfriend and I were all just at the same wedding. His girlfriend (yes, as predicted, she took him back) came right over to me and sat down next to me for a conversation and I must say, she is/was very pleasant and respectful. I have no hate towards her- I just have no desire to have anything to do with him because of what he has done to me, and my family. She wants for us to be able to be in the same places and spend time with my stepdaughter’s baby together. I let her know that I have absolutely no issue with that, if I can avoid having to spend time with the narc (when avoidable). She is a lovely girl and it’s just sad to me that she is so trauma bonded that she feels like she can work things out with him (again). I wished her the best and let her know that I hope his cycle doesn’t continue, and I genuinely feel that way but historically, it’s unlikely.
When mutual friends asked the narc about his girlfriend’s post on Facebook relating to the other woman (details about this are in my prior blog) , his response was “bitches are crazy”. As usual, he is not taking any responsibility for his actions and blaming her for “over-reacting”- which is bullshit. She behaved in a way that any woman would in that situation. When she left him for a bit most recently and was out of state for a few weeks taking time for herself and evaluating their relationship- he was out wining and dining the other girl all over the state and telling people that their breakup was caused because of this blog, NOT his actions. Once again, he cannot take any responsibility for his actions- which is typical narcissistic behavior. I no longer hate him for what he did to me and my family, but I have a special hate for him, for what he is doing to his current girlfriend. Narcissists justify their behavior and will always play the victim.
In bigger news, I have finally severed business ties with him (for the most part) and I am breathing easier, sleeping better, and smiling brighter. It really felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. Just remember, it’s never easy to leave but when once you do, you will feel like you have conquered the world. It’s worth it.
Please watch this TikTok video about an amazing survivor of narcissistic abuse and what it felt like to leave her abuser.