You deserve better

I haven’t published anything in three months. I have been reflecting and trying to not offend all these fuckers who decided to find and stalk this page because they need something to talk about. But I have decided I’m not going to put my passion for writing, my need for continued healing and what my readers keep asking for, on the back burner because these assholes are butthurt. This isn’t about them, its about me and other victims of narcissistic abuse.

These few months have been challenging- the business is becoming more and more fucked up with every passing day. It seems as though it’s surrounded by bad vibes because of him. An office fire that destroyed everything, phone issues, issues with installations, employee issues- pretty much everything is going wrong. I have wanted to get out of it for quite some time and the more of these types of occurrences, the more I want out. He actually called me the other day to bitch and complain, and as I heard his voice, it made my stomach turn. He wanted to know why I wasn’t very chatty – I guess he forgets that we are NOT friends, even though he had the nerve to text me “can’t we just be friends” Really dude? You tell all of your people (family and friends) that they are not allowed to be friends with me but you want to be my friend? I don’t think so. As he was going on and on complaining and getting angry, all I kept thinking was, thank God he isn’t coming home to me. The anger and lack of patience for anything or anyone was evident in his tone and I don’t miss that one bit.Then just the other day, he text me that he was having a panic attack and on the side of the road crying because he doesn’t know how to fix the company. I guess he doesn’t realize that it’s broken BECAUSE OF HIM and again, he forgets that WE ARE NOT FRIENDS, so he’s reaching out to the wrong chick- he should try his girlfriend or side chick instead. The only reason I need him mentally stable is to keep this company going while I am stil part of it- other than that, I have no concern for him. I care about him, as much as he cared about me after I had brain surgery- which basically means he doesn’t exist. I also find it comical how he blocks & unblocks me on social media all the time- the only reason i even notice is because people tag us in things for the business- one day, the link for his name is there, and another day it’s not. Once I am out of this business, it will be the best feeling in the world to delete and block him from every form of contact for good. Being involved in the business still disturbs my peace, and impacts my mental health, and that is not something that I want to live with forever.

Narcissists are not capable of change- so please don’t be naïve in thinking your narc can change with medication, therapy or maturity- it’s NOT going to happen. There may be a temporary illusion that they have changed, but it doesn’t last. The verbal, and sometimes physical abuse will not only continue, but each time you allow them back, it will get worse. The sneakiness and lies will also never stop, because they are pathological liars, and ultimately, everything is about their needs, not yours.

My ex -narc is still friends with the obsession- both on social media, and real life. He still calls her and sees her because he cannot stop this weird obsession for anyone. And his friends who support all of his douche behavior, and have ostracized me, talk about it behind his back all the time- they know it goes on. Even knowing what they know, they remain by his side, always.I guess that’s what happens when you have money, a boat and know how to party.

Its nice of him to buy a new boat (to help keep his friends happy) instead of buying me out, or maybe being smart with his money for the future since he’s 50 years old. The dude was broke when I met him and now that he has money, it has done to his head and uses it to boost his ego and keep his buddies around. This is why you never help build a narcissist up- it turns them into an even bigger monster. I regret this decision daily but I all I can do now, is move forward.

I’m in a good place now, but I can only imagine where I could be, had I focused all of that energy on myself, instead of trying to please someone who will never be pleased. Instead, As I built him up, I made myself sick- both physically and my mental health. Please, listen to me, it’s bad enough to lose yourself, but if they take your health too, it will take years to recover. Don’t let anyone steal your joy and your health.

As I think about how tumultuous our relationship was, it makes me appreciate my current relationship that much more. My man is amazing and as we approach two years together (in the fall), I have finally learned what a healthy relationship is. We don’t fight, there is never yelling or name calling and there is pure trust. What I love the most is that he still looks at me today, the same way he did when we first met- its indescribable but everyone notices. What we have is the kind of love I thought I would only see in the movies, and I can’t believe I get to experience this in real life.

While nothing in life is perfect, true love does exist and by staying with a narcissist, you’ll never be able to experience this. You deserve better.