Hindsight is 20/20

I was sitting at my desk last Wednesday evening, working late, when an alert popped up on my phone that someone was at my commercial garage. I rent the space out to our business and have security cameras there to protect the equipment and to view deliveries and other activity. I glanced at the camera because of how late in the day it was (very unusual for someone to be there after 5pm, never mind at 6pm) and to my surprise, it was my narc ex and the girl that he has been obsessed with for all of these years.

Two years ago, this image would have made my heart sink and tears would have started flowing, but since he’s not my problem anymore, I laughed (after the initial shock wore off that he would be ballsy enough to do it in front of my face) and smiled, knowing that I was right about him never changing. Hindsight really is 20/20.

I didn’t say anything to him about it but it’s been eating at me and I felt like I had to share because it validates everything that I have been saying over the years. I just wrote about triangulation (fiercelyanya.com/2021/01/17/triangulation/) and how she was used to triangulate in our relationship, and now I see him doing the same thing to his current girlfriend. It makes me sick and I still can’t understand how he sleeps at night. His girlfriend seems like a really nice girl and I feel awful for her to have to go through what I went through for years. The empty promises, the crocodile tears, the sneaky bullshit; but, in all fairness, she was warned before she started dating him and has been given a lot of information since, so I feel a little bit better about it. But in reality, there isn’t a big enough warning label for him and generally when you’re sucked in, it’s hard to break the trauma bond.

Going back to the footage- the girl arrived and parked out of camera view, he walked to greet her (out of camera view again) and walked her through the garage overhead entrance. She brought something with her, that looked like it may have been a bag of food for them to share, that he carried in. They were in the garage for just under an hour and then he walked her back to her car and they both left. Just to give you perspective, the garage is a 1200 square foot building in an industrial area. It’s extremely cold, full of tools and equipment and quite filthy! The bathroom is so dirty and disgusting (I guess that’s what happens when men use bathrooms and don’t clean them), that I can’t even believe the princess stepped foot in there, never mind ate in there.

As I sat there, shaking my head, it once again, affirmed my decision to remove him from my personal life. There is nothing worse than constantly wondering what your partner is doing, if they are being deceitful, cheating, or lying. It’s a horrible way to live. I thank God every day for the brain tumor (https://fiercelyanya.com/2019/10/21/getting-rid-of-two-tumors/) that was my wake-up call and for the amazing man who walked back into my life to show me what real love and partnership is.

If I didn’t have this business with the narc, I would block him from every aspect of my life and never have to witness things like this again. As much as I laughed and was grateful that it wasn’t me this time, I was a slightly triggered. The brain develops pathways from patterns that are learned and sometimes it’s hard to unlearn them. What I feel the most, besides disgust, is sadness. I am sad that he really is that selfish, self-absorbed and that he has no moral compass or remorse. I’m sad to see that he doesn’t care what pain he’s causing those around him and that he blames everything on everyone else.  It would have been nice to see him change his ways for a new partner, especially someone who seems to really care for him, but its clear that he will never change.

All I can do, is save others who are in the same cycle as I was, and help them see the red flags. Help them accept that narcissists are incapable of change. Help them break the cycle before the damage requires months or years of therapy. Help them teach their daughters what isn’t acceptable. Help them see that happiness and real love is possible after the hell.  Help them take control of their life again!