Imagine waking up every day wondering if today was going to be the day that you might actually do something right? Maybe your ass isn’t too big today. Maybe you won’t use the wrong seasonings or overcook dinner. Maybe you won’t chew too loudly or breathe the wrong way. Maybe you won’t ask a stupid question. Maybe you folded his t-shirts the right way. Maybe, just maybe, you even made the bed right today.
For me, the biggest maybe each day, was maybe I would be good enough and he wouldn’t have to talk to or see his obsession, or scope out every female that crossed his path.
It was after many of these mornings, after months and years of waking up like this, that I realized that I was no longer the person that I was when I first met this monster. What the fuck did I let this man do to me? Where was the strong, independent, feisty woman? I was still arguing with him and getting snippy, but I was also killing myself every day trying to please someone who clearly could not be pleased.
I remember in the beginning – I was beautiful, and smart. I was an amazing cook and someone who could do no wrong. Suddenly, everything that I did that was so right, was now completely wrong. My beauty has faded. My eyes were too small, my nose too big, my hair too frizzy, my ass- too big, my curves- too curvy. I recall a conversation where I actually asked him why exactly he was with me. His obsession couldn’t look more opposite than me with her thin, boyish body and plain features. I could never make sense of it and he never gave me an answer.
It took me a long to time to learn that it was all about wanting what he couldn’t have and about control. He did a fantastic job of beating all of the confidence out of me and he had me questioning everything from my looks, to my parenting. He managed to gain more and more control over me because I no longer felt that I deserved anyone. I considered myself lucky that he even wanted me.
This is the cycle that I try to explain to people when they can’t understand how someone can stay with a narcissist for so long. The master manipulation, constant abuse, and gained control can suck in the most grounded woman. And if you aren’t fully grounded or have any underlying issues that you are still trying to deal with? Buckle up- because you are the target that the narc has been waiting for and you’ll never see if coming.
The moment I kicked him to the curb again, this time for the final time, I was once again beautiful and perfect. I got the same bullshit excuses, promises and pathetic reactions. So many fights about her ended with the same texts from him with empty promises. (Text below is from September 2017 – before any of the times I actually kicked him out, only threatened)
This last time, he threw himself on my driveway, drew me a diagram (literally) of why he behaved the way that he did, cried, left me coffees on the porch daily, praised me and tried to start the cycle all over again. This time, I stood my ground and didn’t let him slither his way back in.
THIS WAS NOT EASY. NARCISSISTS ARE ABUSERS. IT IS HARD TO BREAK AWAY FROM AN ABUSER. IT’S IMPORTANT TO KNOW WHAT A NARCISSIST IS AND HOW TO BREAK THE CYCLE. I AM SO GRATEFUL THAT I DID.