When I met the narcissist- he was just getting by. Struggling to pay his bills, fresh out of a bankruptcy filing, in a shitty mortgage that he managed to get himself into and stressed about his bills. I didn’t care what he had or made for money, just that he had work ethic, drive and goals in life. I helped him refinance his mortgage, organize his bills and get in a better place. I’m a “fixer”. Something I wish I knew how to stop myself from doing sometimes.
A short time into our relationship, he mentioned how he had always wanted to start his own business doing what he did for his employer but he had no business background. Meanwhile, I had a business degree and background, as well as experience running a business previously. So here we were, less than a year into our relationship, and we started a business. He had the trade skill, and I had the rest.
We incorporated the company, bought a company van, I added him to my medical insurance, and we ran with it. I used our contacts on social media to advertise and little by little the business began to grow. I spent so many nights and weekends writing estimates, advertising, calling people, balancing the books and doing everything to keep things running that it became another full-time job.
As the business became more successful, and the money started flowing, his behavior started to change. The money turned him into a condescending, controlling douche. Not only did he throw money around like he was Tony Soprano but he spent in on other women, especially, his obsession…
I couldn’t get rid of this girl, who started off as a seemingly innocent friend (or so I thought), but became the focal point of our relationship. Now he was secretly buying her clothes, jewelry and items for her home. He was setting up contractors and doing work for free for her. He was taking her to wine tastings, dinners, on shopping sprees, and whatever else she wanted while convincing me it was normal. He would tell me that I was crazy because I thought it was inappropriate. I was delusional and jealous and had low self-esteem. His friendship became even closer after she got divorced. His obsession became even stronger and more obvious.
He blew $13,000 on a boat. A boat that I told him I had a bad feeling about but I’m sure because her ex-husband had a boat, he wanted to impress her. He of course secretly took this girl out on the boat thinking I would never find out, but he often forgot how resourceful I could be. The engine blew 2 weeks later (karma?) and he had to spend another $13,000 to replace the engine.
While I worked full time days, worked on the business at night and decided to go to law school at the same time, he would insult me. If didn’t understand something technical relating to the trade- I was stupid – meanwhile he didn’t know how to use a computer. He would throw down a stack of estimates for me to do and leave to go out with his “friends”, when often, he would be out with this girl. Then he would tell me I was spending too much time on the computer and didn’t have enough time for him anyway. Even while he sat there on his phone, messaging random women on facebook, and creeping her profile and photos.
I was exhausted mentally and physically and spending my days and nights getting insulted. I woke up every day wondering why I wasn’t good enough. Why this bitch was worth his time. What was so special about her? She isn’t even a nice person and nothing special to look at either.
When I would finally have enough and kick his ass out, he would cry, beg, plead and tell me that it’s me he really loves. He would promise to sever ties with her. He would tell me they were just friends. Just friends…. yet there were dozens of inappropriate photos of her in his phone. She even has a framed photo of the two of them by her bedside. And there was so much more that I will reveal at a later time….
This girl insulted me. He watched her insult me. She actually called me a fat fuck to be exact. She insulted the fact that I had thyroid cancer. He listened and watched her verbally attack me, and I lost it and shoved her across the parking lot of a restaurant that they walked out of together and he just stood there and let it happen. I realized that they were turning me into a classless person because they were both classless. I couldn’t let that happen!
Aside from the begging and apologizing, and the bullshit promises of ending all contact with her, he also tried to buy me. He would get caught up in lies and end up buying me $2,000 diamond earrings. He would throw $300 at me and tell me to go out with my girlfriends for a nice dinner. He would take me out to a 5-star restaurant. I would tell him to shove his money up his ass but it didn’t stop him from trying.
It was a vicious and sick cycle of me reaching my breaking point and then falling for his manipulative bullshit again. He would tell me sad stories of his childhood or past relationships trying to pull at my heartstrings. One of the times I reached a breaking point and told him to leave, he asked me to meet him for dinner to talk. I agreed to meet him but only if he was willing to answer some very direct and difficult questions. He purchased a notebook (he titled it confessions of an asshole) and wrote a bunch of questions that he assumed I would ask him ( I included the first couple of pages- there were 8 pages in total) and answered them himself in order to finally come clean from all of the lies. After years of denying spending money on her, being attracted to her and so on, he openly admitted being infatuated with her, spending money on her, lending her money, and so on. It was the first honest and mature thing he had done our entire relationship. He said he would cut all ties because he realized the evil that she was and that he was being used. He also agreed to go to counseling.
And that is how he managed to slime his way back in, again. He changed his behavior and stopped interacting with her BUT of course, it didn’t last. It never lasts. The contact started again. He even lied to the therapist about his contact with her. He became more secretive and the lies became more unbelievable. The abuse got worse. The days became unbearable. I began to believe that I wasn’t good enough and would never be good enough because he couldn’t stay away from her.
I allowed this situation to unfold for far too long and I was disrespected for so many years. Five of the seven years of our relationship, this bitch was a wedge. He allowed it and she thrived on it.
Looking back now, I can’t believe how long I let it go on for. Not only her but everything. It literally took the brain tumor for me to wake the fuck up. My last contact with her, when everything came to light, she actually said to me “they must have taken your common sense when they took your tumor”. This is the “friend” he wanted in his life.
So now being apart for nearly 10 months, it is a relief to not have to live in this drama and abuse. I am however, seeing him in action from the outside. Having a live-in girlfriend, while still sending his sporadic messages asking to come home or that he misses or loves me or wants his old life back AND he is still “friends” with the obsession and has her intertwined in his new relationship. It makes me sick to realize that he has no moral compass and that everyone just allows his disgusting behavior to happen right in front of their face.
What’s more is that because of me, he has a very successful business, a boat, a low-interest mortgage, a nice retirement account, life, disability and long-term care insurance and is living comfortably. I set him up pretty… I imagine it helped him land his newest victim because without all of that, most girls wouldn’t give him the time of day at this point.
I refuse to let go of the business because I worked very hard to build it to where it is now and wasted years of my life on him so I ‘m not ready to sever that tie yet. But what I want to say to him is- you’re fucking welcome.