As I imagine how different my life would be had I not broken the narcissistic cycle last year, I am incredibly grateful for where I am versus where I would be. I would have been cooped up in the house with a manipulative, lying, abuser every single day. The thought of that not only makes me cringe, but literally makes me sick to my stomach.
I am nearly 9 months free from him. I say “free” loosely because yes, we are STILL intertwined professionally so I do have to interact with him via text/email but thankfully I never have to see him, and rarely speak to him over the phone.
I still recall the ridiculous attempts that he made when we first split, the begging the pleading, the stalking, the “I’ve changed” bullshit he tried to feed me. The bullshit that I used to fall for and how I got sucked back in every time he betrayed me, abused, used or neglected me. The bullshit that I finally had the clarity to see through when they removed the tumor from my brain that was clearly clouding my judgment.
9 months later and I thought we were finally past the bullshit until he started again. We were in the clear since around Christmas-time, when he sent me the inappropriate gift (ring) and reached out to my children, but his manipulative, sneaky douchebag self is back!
It started again a few days ago with a text “this isn’t coming from me, but I miss you”
My typical response is just ignoring this behavior rather than engaging in conversation that is non-business related, so that’s what I did.
Then a day or so later, I request something business related and he responds with “ok love” “LOL’. I again ignore him and then later that night he sends me a link to the Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani duet “Nobody but You” and says “Sorry this is why!”
At this point I’m angry and disgusted- his girlfriend JUST moved into his house this month and he’s sending me these kinds of messages. I express my disgust and how it’s clear that he still hasn’t learned what love is while I have been blessed to be away from his toxicity and been able to discover true unconditional love. That instead of being alone, he insists on hurting people for his own selfish reasons.
His response? “I still love you and I apologize for it. Its crazy but I do”.
This is the kind of disgusting behavior he displayed when I was with him and now, he’s doing the same exact thing to his current girlfriend. While I didn’t doubt that how he treated me wasn’t because I wasn’t good enough, this solidifies it for me. It wasn’t me- it was never me. He is a complete piece of shit who will never be happy or content with any woman. He will always be searching for more. He will always be trolling Facebook for other women, he will always be obsessed with his female friend who I found dozens of photos of in his phone, he will always try to manipulate me and any other woman in his path.
I gave this man so much of my time, my life and literally created a life for him like he never had before and to know that he never respected or loved me is a slap in the face but what I’m grateful for is that I got out when I did. I called off the wedding that was set for May of 2015. I refused to purchase property with him even when he begged me to (I’ve ALWAYS purchased homes in my own name) and I kept everything besides this business very separate. I knew if I did any of those things, he would start to gain full control of me.
What I ‘m also grateful for is the life I have now, even though I’m not fully rid of him- things have taken a positive turn.
I moved away from him to start fresh in a nice secluded area with a beautiful yard. I have a man in my life who treats me with more love and respect than I could ever ask for. He makes me feel like the sun rises and sets on me. I can be myself every single day. I don’t have to worry about what I’m wearing, if I have make-up on, what I’m saying, how I’m chewing, how or if I make the bed, etc. I no longer have to live my daily life walking on eggshells and wondering if I’m breathing the wrong way. I am loved, unconditionally. I can be emotional. I can be loud. I can be quiet. I can ask for alone time. I can be me.
While no one can predict the future and I don’t know how things will play out, I feel good about where they are today and after all of the hell that I have been through, I have to assume that everything happens for a reason.