Living with the guilt

I am angry with myself. I let this man steal seven years of my life. What’s worse is that I let him steal seven years of my kid’s lives. I allowed him to treat me with disrespect in front of my children.

Here we are nearly five months after our breakup and he had the audacity to reach out to my 19-year-old son on Christmas Eve and ask him to meet him somewhere to give him Christmas gifts for him, my daughter and of course he had something to give to me. My son doesn’t have a mean bone in his body so he couldn’t say no and didn’t tell me until after the fact when he handed me a wrapped gift and card and said, “this is from XXXXX. I want nothing to do with it and he wanted me to give it to you on Christmas morning but I didn’t want to ruin Christmas so I’m giving it to you now.”

That motherfucker knew that I lost my mother’s ring, a cherished family heirloom and used it to try to pull at my heartstrings. He talked about how he felt my grandmother’s presence enter his body when she died in our arms. How he hopes GOD let him give me this gift. How he went to the cemetery and asked permission from my mother and grandmother to give me this new ring that he bought me with the same stone…

I wanted to THROW UP.

This is the kind of manipulative bullshit he would pull all the time. First off, he has a girlfriend and I have a boyfriend so its inappropriate. Second, there is no acceptable reason to use my children and dead family members to try to get to me- EVER. This was an all time low.

How did I not see what a sick and twisted man he was during this seven-year time span? How did I allow this to continue for so long? Well, I was the victim of narcissistic abuse. I rationalized all of his horrific behavior. I believed all of things he told me, including the insults about me.

This viscous cycle of hell was my norm, every day. He would break me down and now he’s still trying. The difference is, this time- I have managed to escape his hell for good. I moved away and can see right through him. His lies. False promises and disgusting tactics.

Now I just have to live with the guilt and try to understand how I allowed this to go on for so long. I have to pray that I didn’t damage my children by having this asshole in their life. I have to continue to make better choices and keep him out of my personal space.

As time goes on, for some reason I am not finding it easier to learn how to live with the guilt and the anger so I pray that it gets better…. That the guilt goes away so that I can fully enjoy my life and the peace that I am working so hard to create.