Be with someone you want to grow old with. Those words resonated with me after I heard them last night.
Relationships are multi faceted- you want attraction, affection, love, understanding, empathy, devotion, honesty and commitment. I have never been in a relationship that is easy but I also never expected them to be easy. It is a of work to share a life with someone and even more work to share the difficulties that life throws us during our relationships. I have seen illness, loss, death, alcohol, drugs, infidelity, unemployment, mental health issues etc break up the strongest couples. It’s easy to be with someone when there is no stress, whether financial or emotional, stress will impact your life like nothing else can.
As I think back on my marriage, a marriage that I don’t regret because of lessons learned and the beautiful children that I gained, I do regret that I will never have the experience of raising my children with their father. I could never imagine being married to that man again, but the real challenge is the difficulty of raising children with a new partner. Our attempt at meshing lives has been full of tension, disagreements and frustration.
I have seen others have success, so I know that it’s possible, but to me is has seemed almost impossible.
Our lives were very different before we became a couple. I often wonder if they were too different and if will ever fully come together.
I have come to love his family, his friends and his presence. What I don’t love is the feeling that I am not what he really wants. That I am not good enough. The feeling that growing old together may not be what either of us want. The feeling that if I became sick or injured again, that I wouldn’t get the treatment that I crave and deserve.
I have always believed that true love is out there and for a time, I thought that’s what we had. Until things got real- every day life living sharing our space, dealing with illness, injury and the loss of loved ones has begun to slowly rip us apart, instead of bringing us closer together.
With each passing day, I start to doubt our future. I want him to look at me the way his parents looked at each other. I want him to miss me when we aren’t together and look forward to laying with me at night. I want him to respect our differences instead of criticizing me. I want to feel the way I did the night he proposed and I want him to feel the way he felt that night too.
Deep down inside, I think he might still have it in him but I am growing tired. I am feeling doubtful. I am being told by his own family/friends, that as good of a man that he is, he may just not marriage material. I’m still holding out hope and reflecting on how much I love him.
Only time will tell what our future holds- I just don’t want to waste any more time on a future that may not exist. Nobody wants to grow old, but we know it’s inevitable- so be with someone who you want to grow old with, not with someone who ages you.
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