I know that I am going to offend some of my readers with this article so let’s start off with an apology in advance and a disclaimer. Although I am generalizing and categorizing with what I am about to say, my disclaimer is simple; this is not an accurate depiction of all men but of a large population of the near 40 year old bachelors.
I think it’s safe to admit that there seem to be an awful lot of “lifetime bachelors” out there who appear to be a “great catch” but have never been married or had children by the age of 40. I would even go out on a limb and say by age 38 is already a red flag based on my research. I’m not saying that both should happen by an exact age, but in all honestly if a man has not shared his life and space with another woman or had the responsibility of raising a child by his mid to late 30’s, then he is probably too selfish and set in his ways to ever do it or at least do it well. There comes a point in a person’s life that after living alone and not having anyone but themselves to worry about becomes so comfortable for them that they have no concept of how to share their time, space or energy with others.
I’m sure that there are a few guys in this category who are legitimately good guys who just haven’t met the right girl but let’s face it, for the most part, there’s something wrong with them. I know quite a few who I have come across in my years of dating after divorce. Let’s talk about a few- I have changed their names to be fair.
1) “ Bob”, 38 years old. Good looking, athletic, military man, intelligent, successful and financial well off. He even has a boat (bonus) as well as a nice new home. I had a couple of dates with him myself and since then, I have seen him blow through a bunch of relationships because he has no idea how to devote himself to anyone other then himself. He is unique in the sense that he has a child BUT this child lives in another state and is being raised full time by the mother (who he was never in a relationship with). He sees his child twice a year at best. That in and of itself was a complete turn off for me. He will more than likely be a lifetime bachelor and a waste of a pretty face.
2) “Dan”, 38 years old. Good looking, tall, successful, financially stable and yes, never married, no kids. Lives alone and has lived alone for quite some time in a condo that he owns. And here is the real indication of his lifetime bachelorhood… his longest relationship over the past 10 years has been TWO MONTHS. He blames crazy girls, I blame his insanity. See “Match not made in Heaven” January 2010, https://fiercelyanya.wordpress.com/2013/01/16/january-2010-an-oldie-but-one-that-will-preface-my-blog-later-tonight/
3) “Eric”, 41 years old. Good looking, tall, successful, educated, financially stable and yes, never married, no children. His vision of the “perfect woman” is completely delusional. He pursues women who are already taken so that he doesn’t have to commit or the ones who aren’t taken he can only commit to having sex with and maybe an occasional non-committal date. He broke up with him last girlfriend because she wasn’t punctual and took too long to get ready. I guess he must be perfect… FAIL.
Sadly, I could go on about this for many more pages, but I think my point is well made. I have had a few men who I pegged as lifetime bachelors prove me wrong and either pop the question or father a child but for the most part, these men have spent many years proving my theory right. There is no scientific evidence or large research study but I bet if we wait 2 years from now, these three men will still be as single as ever. Hell, the first two have been for close to 3 years since I started following them!
Feel free to add your own lifetime bachelor story….
So what do you call women in the same catergory?
I was waiting for you to comment… Lifetime bachelorettes?
I understand the vitriol against confirmed bachelors. All of it comes from bachelorettes, who are much more pressured by society to settle before 40 than men are. When they can’t, because the single men in their age group are happy with the way they are, they lash out. I’ve never heard of, or read, any diatribe against confirmed bachelorhood from a member of any other demographic. It’s all 30-something single women who have come to realize that time is much kinder to men than it is to women. Perhaps a man’s reasons for remaining a confirmed bachelor are selfish, but a woman’s reason for indicting these men are also just as selfish. Women in this category are not out to share their lives with another — they are out to meet society’s expectations of conformity, to marry and settle and start a family, as well as their own maternal instincts to bear children. The motivations are almost purely for self-fulfillment, much like a successful 40-something bachelor who can still date and enjoy all the freedoms of single life. So many ‘modern women,’ career-driven and self-centered much like the confirmed bachelor, put off kids and family until the clock starts winding down, then it’s a rat race to find ‘Mr. Perfect.’ Most end up settling into mediocrity, knowing their options are limited, and wind up in divorce court.
There are a multitude of excellent reasons for a financially successful 40-something man in good shape to avoid marriage. Obviously freedom is number one. If he has his shit together and he takes care of himself, he can enjoy an exciting single life in a way that a 40-something woman can’t. Number two, which may be even more significant in a man’s decision to remain single, is that marriage is a huge risk, emotionally and financially. In a society that celebrates pre-marital/extra-martial sexual relationships and the growing acceptance of disposable marriages (if it’s broke, throw it out and replace it), a man not only risks heartbreak by tying the not, but financial ruin as well. Any man this day in age, especially one with financial freedom, would be wise to weigh the pros and cons of marrige very, very carefully. It could make his life bliss — or destroy it completely.
So you see (I hope), there is nothing “wrong” with confirmed bachelorhood. I’m sure the men you’ve mentioned have issues and baggage, like everyone does, but to generalize and impart collective fault is a demonstration of your own insecurity and frustration, and nothing more. I’m 30 years old, single, with a good career, and I plan on enjoying my bachelorhood and freedom until I get tired of it, or until I find the right woman whenever, if ever, that comes to pass. And there is nothing wrong with me for wanting to do that. If you haven’t found a husband before your 35th birthday, perhaps there is something wrong with you. But I wouldn’t even go as far as to say that, because some of us are simply better people without a spouse, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with being single, whatever your age or gender.
Thanks for reading.
I actually consider myself a lifetime bachelor. I’ve been living alone for 17 years now, I’m sterilized, I never wanted to have children, and I’m neither capable nor willing to live in a relationship. But, unlike the other examples you give, I’m a conscious bachelor, and I prefer solitude to relationships. Being with other persons is always stressful in my opinion, and it should certainly be just as stressful to other persons to be with me.
I don’t see bachelorhood as a problem or a failure of any kind, but as a lifestyle, which has its own culture and perks.
As sexual desires become less of a problem with advancing age, I look forward to spend the coming years with myself in an increasingly peaceful state of mind.
I don’t date and I don’t have one-night-stands at all.
I don’t see it as my goal in life to find someone to share my life with, I don’t even get, why this is supposed to be “the thing” to strive for.
Solitude is a privilege in many ways.