I have learned that you can’t fix someone, even more so if you are broken yourself. How many of us go into a friendship or relationship thinking that we can help the other person? I know I have done that more times than I care to remember. Women are especially vulnerable to this behavior probably because of our motherly instinct. In the end one of two things happens, either we manage to fix them and once they have been saved, they move along, or the more typical outcome, not only do they remain “broken” but they break us in the process.
My ex-husband is my biggest example of this, not because he was so awful, but because I was with him the longest. I still to this day don’t think that he’s an asshole, I just believe that he was and is probably still very broken. After 12 very long years with him, I ended up broken and unrecognizable. In those 12 years, we experienced a lot of turmoil, stress and loss and when you add a depressive personality who has severe mood disorders, it’s a recipe for disaster. I spent years walking on egg shells, hiding in separate rooms of the house to be away from him and signing up for any volunteer work that would force me out of the house. I hated my life. I was miserable. I was tired. I never slept. Every night when I went to bed, I would wonder how the hell I got myself into this daily hell.
When I finally had enough, and realized that it was time to get out, I was just a shell of myself. I realized that we were now both broken. I started off trying to fix him and in the end, I failed miserably.
It took some time for me to heal and I know that in some ways, I’m still broken. I am scarred and petrified to ever end up with someone who is that broken again. I never want to live the way we lived and worry that when I can’t get in touch with someone, I assume that they are dead because of past suicide attempts. Three years later, I still have pretty bad insomnia and I still worry but not living with him has made a much happier person.
No matter how different we are and how much he pisses me off sometimes, I still don’t hate him, I wish only the best for him and what makes me the happiest is that he has an amazing new wife who is wonderful to me and my kids. I hope that in the end, she will not be broken. Maybe they will beat the odds and both be saved. And maybe, I will still save myself…