January 2010

I have changed the names to protect the innocent, ok maybe not so innocent.

I will preface this with the fact that before I would agree to any date, I would Google my potential date, look them up on RI Judiciary to check for a criminal record, ask any mutual friends if they knew anything about them and reversed their email address in Facebook. Why the last thing you ask? Because, not once, but twice, I found out that men on dating websites were “in a relationship” on facebook. So onto the actual story…

 During my brief time on match.com, I encountered a few “normal” people and “Dan” was one of them. I saw that he added me as a Favorite. Still new to the site I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do with that but his profile was one of the few that actually caught my attention based on looks and background. So I “winked” at him to let him know that I was interested in return.

 His first message to me was:  01/02/10 “Fellow Celtic Fan! I just wanted to thank you for the wink. I saw your profile last night and thought we had some things in common. How was your New Year? I had fun with a bunch of my friends at a new bar inNorth Kingstown. Anyway, I just wanted to say hello and let you know that I would like to get to know you better. Have a great day. Hopefully the snow lets up. I guess you will be watching the Celtics tonight. I hope they can start a new winning streak. I look forward to hearing from you.”

  The Celtics were enough to make me interested, never mind the rest! We went back and forth a couple of times through messages on the site, then instant messaging, then text and phone conversations. We managed to text/talk regularly for a week before we met because he was away on a business trip. My daughter ended up in the hospital during that time and he sent me a few texts to see how she was doing. He was considerate, remembered everything I said and seemed completely down to earth.  We made plans to meet on a Sunday. When I saw him in person, I felt like there was an instant click. He was tall, shaved head, deep blue eyes and a nice build. We had dinner and drinks with great conversation. It was very comfortable and I liked his blunt approach and his confidence.  The night ended with a great kiss. It had been a while since I felt butterflies; they were definitely there that night. The next day, he called and he knew that it was my last night without the kids until the weekend so he asked me to meet him to watch the first half of the Celtics game and I jumped at the chance. We met at Dave’s Bar & Grill, had a few beers, watched the game and had more great conversation. He knew more about the Celtics then anyone I had ever come across before and yes, to me that’s very attractive. We stayed until close to the end of the game and had another great kiss goodnight. We spoke throughout the week and I ended up with an extra night without the kids that Thursday so he asked if I wanted to come over and watch the Celtics game with him. We had some drinks, watched part of the game and conversation continued to flow.  I was a little bit leery about going over to his place but he was very respectful and didn’t try anything. He offered for me to stay over and promised nothing would happen. Although I believed him, I decided to go home. 


We both had parties to go to on Saturday night and said we would be in touch on Sunday. When we spoke on Sunday, he seemed a little distant. On Monday he called and sounded a little nervous. He told me that when he was at the party Saturday night, he ran into an ex-girlfriend from 4 years ago and wanted to try to make it work with her. He said he felt terrible, that I was a great person and he was really sorry. He seemed genuine so I wished him the best and told him that I appreciated his honesty. I was disappointed but I did appreciate that he had the courtesy to call me instead of just blowing me off.


Two months later, at the beginning of March…I get a random text from “Dan” asking what was going on with my Celtics team after a bit of a losing streak. I am surprised but happy to hear from him. Two days later, I receive another text from him about the Celtics winning and we go back and forth a bit. He sends a text later that night asking if I am out with the girls and I tell him that I am out on a date. He asks if he can call me the next day and I say yes. The next day he asks if I would meet him to watch the Celtics game at 3:30 that afternoon and I agree so we meet up at a local sports bar. He explains what happened with the ex ,that it lasted a very short time because he realized why she was an ex pretty quickly. He told me that he made a mistake and wants to know what “his competition” is like since he knows I am dating other people. I tell him that it’s good and he says, “Well, I guess I have some work to do”. We move on to just enjoying the game, sipping on beer and catching up. After the game he asks if I want to stay for dinner and I do. After dinner we go back to his condo down the road for one last drink. He asks me “What can I do tonight so that you never go out with the other guys again and you and I are exclusive?”.  I am surprised and flattered but my response to him is “there is nothing you can do tonight because I don’t want to make the wrong choice”. I know that I want to just give in and be with him but I want to be sure to think things through, not be impulsive or let him think that he has it in the bag. He asks when my next date is with the other guys I was dating and I don’t have one scheduled yet so he asks if we can go out on Saturday night before I get another offer and I agree. We continue to talk and it gets pretty late.  We’ve been drinking since 3 so he asks if I want to stay and promises that nothing will happen. He offers me a pair of his boxers and a t-shirt and we go to bed.  I don’t sleep very well with a million thoughts racing through my mind and not being in my own bed but overall it’s nice to sleep next to someone for a change. The next morning he offers to make me coffee but I need to get home to get ready for work so I thank him, we kiss each other good-bye and he says he will call me later. I realize once I get home that I left my watch and earrings at his house and at the same time he calls to tell me to let me know and says he will get them to me next time.


 That night he tells me that I am welcome to come by and watch the Celtics game with him so I do and the night goes well and I leave at the half so that we can both get some sleep. I’m looking forward to Saturday night and I am optimistic about this becoming something worthwhile.


We meet on Saturday night for dinner and drinks at a Pub near his parent’s house where he is staying the night to watch their dog while they are away. After dinner we pick up some wine and head over to his parents house to watch the Celtics game since all of the bars are only showing college ball. We snuggle on the couch and talk about our past relationships and I ask some questions so that I can make my decision about this becoming exclusive.  I tell him that he is a risk and that my biggest fear is his relationship history. His recent relationships have lasted no more than a few months which is concerning. I ask when the last time he had his heart broken, he tells me 2005. He tells me that it’s my job to bring down the wall that he has up. HELLO, RED FLAG! I want to know what the other issues in relationships have been and he tells me that sometimes it’s his independence that has caused a problem. He likes his own time to golf and play poker. Personally I don’t have a problem with that since I am very busy and have my own things going on. I find independence an attractive quality, especially having been married to someone needy and insecure. I know that “Dan” is very close to his family which is appealing. His grandmother has been very ill and he drives toBostonto see her, he has dinner with his parents often and he adores his nephews. These are all indications that he has a big heart and it’s just a matter of getting into it. He tells me that the end of his relationships have been girls going crazy (whatever that means) and says that if I don’t turn crazy on him that this has a pretty good chance of working out . I joke with him that if the Celtics win that night I will keep him.


They do win but I don’t say much. He knows that I have a date planned the next day but now I am hesitant to go. I feel like “Dan” is a better fit for me. He asks me if I am thinking of cancelling and I tell him that I might. I leave around midnight with a great kiss goodnight. The next day I know that he is golfing and he will call me when he’s done.  My gut tells me to cancel my date and be honest with this other guy because he is truly a very nice and respectful man. I had a really nice time with the past few times we went out but it was much different then what I have with “Dan”. I make the very hard phone call and am lucky to have a really nice response but still feel awful.


After I hang up the phone, I send “Dan” a text, “I cancelled with Mike and told him the truth, let’s do this, I promise not to turn crazy”. “Dan” calls me after golf and seems happy about the text from me. He is going to his parents for dinner but asks if I want to see him the next night. I tell him sure and that I will cook dinner. He doesn’t cook and has always mentioned me cooking for him. I give him a choice of some of his favorites or something new, he picks fish tacos. Monday night “Dan” arrives on time, as always, which I love and I am just finishing up cooking.  He comments on the delicious smell.  He enjoys the fish tacos and goes back for seconds which makes me happy. Dinner along with some sangria goes very well.  After dinner we spend some time talking and he leaves a little after 9pm, knowing that he has a training for work very early the next day. 


Things continue to go well and we talk daily. On Wednesday when I am deleting photos and stopping my emails on match.com (which has been cancelled for months but the generic emails still come) I notice that he is still on the site and comes up as “active within 24 hours” which I find strange. I want to ignore it but I know that I will feel better if I ask him about it. We have been very straight forward about everything else so it feels ok to make that step. I send him a text and say “when you have a minute I have a question for you, thanks” He calls me immediately and I ask how he is doing and he is about to get to a job site but has a minute so I say “ok if I’m not bothering you I will ask you quickly, I was on match to cancel my emails and delete things when I noticed that you were still on there so I just wanted to ask you about it” He says “ I haven’t contacted anyone since we got back together but if it makes you feel better I will hide my profile”. I tell him that it’s no big deal but I just wanted to ask about it. I thanked him for his honesty and for calling me right back. The rest of the week seems to continue to be fine although we have no set plans and I know that he is working all day Friday and Saturday so I assume we are playing it by ear since in our conversations he likes to “go with the flow”, something that is a struggle for me with my scheduled life but I can work with.


 I can sense he is a little cold in his text on Friday night but don’t read too much into it. Then I don’t hear from him at all Saturday morning or night. I call him at 6:30, no answer and no return call. A couple of hours later, I send a text that I am heading out and just wanted to see how he was doing, nothing back. Another hour later I send a simple “are you ok?” text.. NOTHING.  This is someone who has always been reliable and considerate so I am really worried that something may have happened to him but there is really nothing more I can do at this point. I am out for the night but continue to worry .The next morning, I send my last text “I am genuinely worried about you  …can you tell me if you are ok & what’s going on?” Two hours later this is the response I get “I’m fine. I just didn’t like the fact that you were checking up on me on Match. Honestly , I haven’t paid attention to it in months”  I respond with “honestly I wasn’t checking up on you but you were in my messages and I clicked on you and was surprised to see that you were still there so I wanted to ask you about it and be honest. Wasn’t trying to accuse you of anything sorry you took offense to it. Wish you would have said something to me because I was worried about you. If you don’t want to do this then that’s fine and your choice. I would like to get my watch back. I’m pretty hurt but it is what it is” His response: “I will drop it off to you”. He drops my watch off the next day while I am at work and leaves it my breeze way. I send him a “thanks” text and his response “no problem”


And that’s it. It’s over before it started…..  I did really like him but I can already see how a relationship with him would turn out and now I know why he is still single and his recent relationships have lasted 2 months. Its not the girls who have “gone crazy”, it’s that he’s nuts!



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